Every writer wants to be in The New Yorker. Now, Patrick House reveals how you can do it. Granted, House's recipe for success applies solely to the magazine's Cartoon Caption Contest, but who's picky?

Writing for Slate magazine, the (one-time) challenge champ offers such guidelines as aim for the "mild chuckle," "keep it lower case," and know your audience (in this case, the cartoon editor's assistant). Follow these prescripts for winning, and triumph—and a New Yorker byline—just may be yours.